No one notices
Or, I have new glasses
I’ve worn glasses since I was in my early teens, first the standard rectangular pair and then round (or round-adjacent) designs in my 20s, and they are very much part of ‘my look’ and, more broadly, my identity.1
Recently, I got a new pair of glasses in the same frame shape but in an olive colour2 (as opposed to orange, or “Marigold”), just to freshen things up. The decision comes as part of a broader self-trend (to coin a bad phrase) of getting multiple pairs of prescription sunglasses alongside a few frames to rotate daily.3
I mention this not because me buying new glasses is especially interesting – someone else buying something, in general, is not very interesting – but because no one noticed the new colour of the glasses, across more than a week, at all.4
Now, you might think “Well, his friends are unobservant”, and that may well be true. In general, though, I think people just do not notice things about you. I’m talking new haircuts, new clothes, new glasses, anything new aesthetically outside the ordinary. Something you might perceive as a big deal does not even register with many interlocutors or the already observant.
Back in my teens, I started to realise that people wouldn’t notice a new haircut5 even when my hair had been long and, at least in my eyes, visually very different. As the years have passed, I’ve noticed that people’s ‘openness’ to noticing things – for want of a better phase – is pretty limited, and often things need to be actually pointed out to illicit recognition and a reaction.
I’m definitely part of this, by the way, and you would be surprised at how little you notice about changes in other people’s appearance, especially those you see regularly, if you talk to them about what they perceive as having changed recently. You might notice something big, or something made to be the focus of attention, but new haircuts, new glasses, new clothes, often fall by the observational wayside.
From the pool of my partner’s parents, her sister, and some of my best friends in the world – all smart, caring people – no one commented on my glasses changing from orange to a much darker olive, even after years of regularly seeing my old frames. A change I would recognise instantly in myself, and something I perceive as having altered a fairly fundamental part of ‘my look’, made not a ripple.
So, people are unobservant. And? It’s hardly revelatory, and there are good reasons: most people are thinking about something else – often how they look, or another detail in their own life – and therefore do not notice a change in you. People in general are also not especially invested in how you look, whether good or bad; your appearance affects people little.
Think about it from the other side: you see people for who they are (ie, Tom is just Tom, Sarah is just Sarah), and would rarely break down their appearance as you might your own. Have you ever thought your friend’s nose was “too big”, or something was asymmetrical about their face? I would wager very rarely, or only if you have a deeper insecurity about that feature on your own body.6
The implications for this are interesting when you go beyond the basic “people are unobservant” idea, and I think many people could benefit from taking this onboard and acting with more assurance about how they look or what they are wearing. Projecting even a modicum of happiness and confidence does half of the job.
Outside of schools, or especially mean friendship groups, very few people are bothered about how you present yourself and instead care about how you are to them. Whether you smile, whether you remember details of their activities, whether you are funny, and so on. Fundamentally, the fact that your lips are “not full”, or your ears are “too big” (to take two random examples), has no real impact on anyone else’s life.
Many people will express concern if your appearance changes rapidly, or you appear to have little care for your hygiene, but even then only when things get extreme and natural politeness is no longer an option.
In the day-to-day, though, I really recommend changing a little something about your look and just seeing who, if anyone, notices. Or try to notice small changes in others. Life is so busy and full of stresses, worries, thoughts that you are likely to struggle unless you really focus in.
In the end, being friendly and kind to people – opening with a smile, having warm eyes, seeing the implicit signs of how they want you to respond (letting someone vent, for example, or lightening the mood), being quick to laugh – are the true things people care about, and remembering this may help you in the future.
I am not, however, a contacts wearer; having to place something onto my actual eyeball twice a day is very unappealing, not to mention issues with getting contacts wet.
The fact that it has taken me from my literal teens to nearly 30s to do this is crazy, although glasses are hardly cheap, and I’m reasonably good at maintaining them.
This is not a “woe is me” post at all. Other people not noticing something about me doesn’t bother me; in fact, it piques my interest more.
I have very curly hair, so essentially I have two haircut looks: short and long.
Projection is a helluva drug, and when you start to see it, one of the most dominant avenues for criticism and attack on others. You are naturally drawn to focus on something negative you perceive in yourself in others.